Waiting
by siggy19
Summary: Remus Lupin has always been waiting. remus's pov. slash! RemusSirius! one shot.


yay this is my first fic posted here! hooray! read and review, please!

**disclaimer:** ok I sadly don't own Harry Potter, so don't sue me or anything.

**warning:** this story DOES contain slash, so if that squicks you then you might not want to read this.

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**Waiting**

Time. It's such a precious thing, but of course no one realizes it until it's gone. I didn't. The last years I had with Sirius were wasted. I spent all that time just waiting.

It was war. We both risked our lives for the order every day, fighting against Voldemort for the hope of a better world. I worried constantly. What if he was killed? What if I never saw him again? When he was gone I waited…just waited, hoping that he was all right. But war is no place for love. I decided to leave, thinking it would be the best for both of us and save us some pain. Deep down I knew that I wasn't really planning on going, but I was so scared, and I just wanted him to reassure me.

_His dark eyes swept over my packed bags, and then back to my face. He looked so hurt, and it was hard to speak. But I said, in an incredibly calm voice despite the tears I was holding back, "I'm sorry, Sirius. I can't wait for you anymore."_ _I expected him to shake his head and tell me everything would be okay, or smile gently and say he loves me and please don't leave. I didn't expect him to sigh and look down, his eyes full of pain, and for him to walk away and leave me standing there, still waiting, even though I said I wouldn't._

I planned on going back to his house the very next day and apologizing, because I still loved him despite anything I'd said, and I couldn't stand a life without him. But by then it was too late, and he was being brought to Azkaban for a crime I hadn't thought him capable of. So I spent the next 13 years laying alone at night, tears rolling down my face, hating myself for leaving him. During those long years I believed him to be a murderer, and I waited all the while to wake up from that horrible nightmare.

Then, Sirius escaped from prison, and a few months later I learned that he was innocent and Peter was the traitor. I couldn't remember being happier since we were last together. I followed Harry and his friends into the place that my friends and I used to go to during my transformations, the shrieking shack. I was reunited with him there, after so long.

_His eyes were dead-looking, his skin pale, and hair lank, but he was still beautiful to me. He was still the handsome man of my memories, with eyes dark and deep and inky black hair that seemed to always be in his way. I embraced him, and for the first time in years I felt almost whole. I wanted to tell him everything, right then and there, but it wasn't really a good moment, since there were three students present. But I vowed to never let him go again. _

Then later that night, I transformed, and the next thing I knew, Peter had escaped, but thankfully so had Sirius. Even after seeing him again, I still had to wait to tell him the truth.

I finally saw him again a little over a year later, when he was living at Number 12, Grimmauld Place. I was nervous about talking to him. What if he didn't love me anymore? What if he didn't care? But I soon established that this wasn't true. Although he was perfectly friendly with me, I could tell he definitely still cared by the sad way he gazed at me when he thought I wasn't looking. But I didn't have an opportunity to tell him, because Dumbledore had me busy with so many missions, and even when I saw Sirius at headquarters, it was never for long and we weren't alone.

After a few more excruciating months of waiting, I had my chance.

_After a bumpy and uncomfortable ride on the Knight Bus, I bade Harry goodbye outside the gates of Hogwarts. I watched him and his friends trudge up toward the castle, and then Tonks and I disapparated. A few seconds later I was outside headquarters, and I walked quickly up to the door, eager to get out of the cold. There was also another thing I was meaning to do once I got inside. There wasn't anyone in the house but me and Sirius. Now, after years and years, I could tell him everything. Once I was inside the dim hallway, I made my way to Sirius' room. Outside his room, I paused for a moment. My stomach was fluttering, and I definitely felt very nervous about what I was going to do when I opened the door. When I couldn't hesitate any longer, I raised my shaking hand and knocked softly on the door. _

"_Come in." I stepped into his room and there he was, sitting on his bed. It had been almost two years since he got out of Azkaban, and he looked much more like the man I remembered. "Hello, Remus." Right now he was looking at me like he had so long ago when we were happy together, but there was a slight hint of sorrow underneath his smile. I took a deep breath._

"_Sirius…" _

"_Yes?"_

"_Do you…do you remember the night before you went to Azkaban?" The pain intensified in his eyes for a brief moment, then it became almost undetectable again._

"_Yes." He said softly, looking down. I closed the door and crossed the room to stand in front of him._

"_I'm so sorry." Tears pricked in my eyes. He looked up._

"_What?"_

"_I'm sorry. So sorry," I repeated. I kneeled down in front of him and took his hand, "What I told you…I didn't mean it." I could see tears in his eyes too now. But he looked hopeful._

"_You didn't mean it when you said you couldn't wait for me anymore?" He said quietly._

"_No. I've been waiting for you all this time. I love you," I cupped his cheek with my other hand, "Do you still love me?" He gave me a watery smile. He looked so beautiful, even when he was crying._

"_Yes. I've always loved you, even when I thought I lost you." He looked at me now, and his eyes were gentle and loving. I couldn't see any sadness in them anymore. I smiled back at him and leaned in closer. I closed my eyes and he kissed me softly and tangled his fingers in my hair._

_Later that night when I was lying in his arms, I felt completely whole again._

"_I love you…" I whispered into his ear._

"_I love you more." Yes. This is what I'd been waiting for._

After that, I had a couple months of bliss with Sirius. I was still very busy, but we cherished whatever time we had together. I was so happy. Then the trouble began again. We received word that Harry was in the Department of Mysteries, and in trouble. He had walked into Voldemort's trap. We all responded immediately and rushed to his aid. Including Sirius. It was no use trying to stop him from coming. He was always stubborn. When we reached the ministry, there were many death eaters, and all of Harry's friends except Neville were injured very badly and scattered throughout the Department of Mysteries.

_We burst into a large room lined with stone steps. In the middle there was a raised dais. Harry and Neville were surrounded by death eaters and in desperate need of help when we arrived. I cast one more look at Sirius "Be careful!" I whispered. We each started dueling with different death eaters. I was very worried about Sirius, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. I needed to concentrate. I spotted Malfoy trying to force Harry to give him the prophesy, so I hit him with a spell and yelled, "Harry, round up the others and GO!" I glanced around, Sirius was dueling with his cousin Bellatrix. Tonks and Moody were unconscious. I continued fighting. _

_Suddenly Dumbledore arrived, and the remaining death eaters tried to escape. The only pair left dueling were Sirius and Bellatrix, on the dais. He dodged one of her spells, laughing. I was about to shout out a warning, but then the second spell hit him in the chest. My breath caught in my throat. I watched in horror, disbelievingly, as he slowly fell back through the archway. His face looked shocked and slightly scared. He disappeared, in slow motion, behind the veil. I saw Harry trying to sprint towards it, and my numb mind registered that I had to stop him. I ran forward and grabbed him from behind. He was struggling. I bit my lip. I couldn't cry in front of him. Even though I scarcely believed it, I heard myself saying "…He's gone."_

Our time was up. Sirius' time was up. Even after telling him everything and being with him again, he was still taken away from me. I just wish that, in the time we did have, I would have told him that I loved him more often. If I told him every day it still wouldn't have been enough. Now there's no second chance. I blame myself for not stopping him, but there was really nothing I could do. Even now, when I wake up, I expect him to be with me. Then the horrible truth hits me. Sirius is never coming home. I'll never see him again. But I love him, so I'll always be waiting.

**THE END**


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